an explanation for all the confusion and difficulties in your life

3.18.20 ~ brant goose at Eastern Point Beach

How do you explain to the people around you that what you need now is to just crash and do nothing for a while until your head feels normal again, when you don’t even know what’s wrong with yourself?

I think it’s important to keep in mind that when we define the severity of a person’s Autism, it’s only a measure of outward behavior and doesn’t really reflect how much one is affected by the condition internally. Those of us who appear to have low severity may actually need more than is apparent to the eye.

Sometimes I think of myself as part of a lost generation (or generations), the ones who had to go through life with Asperger’s unknowingly. And I’m hoping that in the future, with better education and understanding, the Aspie youth of the future will have a completely different experience.

It’s a nice feeling — a relief — to finally find an explanation for all the confusion and difficulties in your life, but it would have been even nicer to have known it all along.

~ Michelle Vines
(Asperger’s on the Inside)

Yesterday I spent the day reading and then shredding all the journals I wrote when I was in my late 20s and early 30s. (I’m in my early 60s now.) Something I’ve been meaning to do for a few years because there was a lot of very personal stuff in there.

3.18.20 ~ brant goose at Eastern Point Beach

What was strikingly revealed to me as I read is the painful struggle I was having with autism for years, trying desperately to figure out what was “wrong” with me. The evidence of impaired executive functioning jumped out at me on almost every page, so obvious from what I know now, so baffling back then. I wanted so badly to live like a “normal” (neurotypical) person, to figure out how to get along in this world.

3.18.20 ~ brant geese at Eastern Point Beach

As I read I kept saying under my breath, “no wonder you were so damn tired all the time.” It’s exhausting trying to make your brain work with a different operating system. I can’t help wondering what my life might have been like had I and my parents and my husband known about autism and if I had had some meaningful support. But it IS a huge relief to have it all make sense now.

3.18.20 ~ brant goose at Eastern Point Beach

an abundant small goose

1.20.18 ~ Eastern Point Beach, a visiting flock of brants

The Canada geese we have around here seem to live here year-round. Several times a day I hear them honking overhead as they fly from the beach to the south, to the golf course to the west, and to the salt marsh and fields to the east of us. I love that sound.

1.20.18 ~ Eastern Point Beach

Yesterday as we were taking a walk down by the beach we saw a flock of geese feeding on the grassy area but there was something different about them. They seemed smaller than Canada geese. Tim walked around behind them so they would come toward me and the camera. The one below seemed a little curious.

1.20.18 ~ Eastern Point Beach

Then they decided to walk away from both of us in a third direction.

1.20.18 ~ Eastern Point Beach

When Tim joined me again they decided it was safe to return to their original dining area. They went back single file!

1.20.18 ~ Eastern Point Beach ~ brants filing by Zbierski House

After researching online I think it is indeed a type of small goose, called the brant. I love discovering new kinds of visitors when I go to the ‘same old’ beach!

An abundant small goose of the ocean shores, the Brant breeds in the high Arctic tundra and winters along both coasts. The Brant along the Atlantic have light gray bellies, while those off the Pacific Coast have black bellies and were at one time considered a separate species.
~ All About Birds website

Of course there were plenty of gulls feeding, too. But they’re after the seafood found in shells…

1.20.18 ~ Eastern Point Beach ~ one of my gull friends eyeing a meal

1.20.18 ~ Eastern Point Beach

1.20.18 ~ Eastern Point Beach ~ late afternoon sun behind Tyler House, shining through the left corner window on the second floor

It was a lovely winter afternoon at the beach.